BE MY CHAMPION - NOT MY JAILER

I have recently discovered that I have exhausted some of my parts and they have, in no uncertain terms, let me know this. The past few years for me have been an intensive learning period. At times it has been great, there is no doubt about that. However, it’s now clear to me that I have not been paying attention to all my parts.

Not long ago I was offered a place on another training course and before I could even get excited, look at my budget or think clearly about it, I found myself saying no. I was shocked and horrified at my response. I never say no to a training course regardless of cost, where it is on the planet or what the impact will be on my sleep cycle. I spent 2022 in a state of perpetual jet lag as I trained through the middle of the night in Australia with a team from the US, working on their time zone.

I must confess that my initial response having realised I had turned it down, was one of relief followed quickly by a feeling of confusion. I realised that this was something that needed to be taken to an IFS session. I accepted there were parts that had said no; I parked them for a few weeks and sure enough in my next IFS session they jumped forward to speak, needing very little persuasion. My curiosity around them was huge; I had other parts that could not understand why they said no and why they wanted to check out. Were we not all enjoyingthis journey of learning and growth?

And that was the key. That simple question: “Were we not enjoying the journey of learning and growth”. I learned so much from that simple question and I found so much growth in the answer.

Yes, the work was awesome, the learning fantastic and to be aged 66 and on the edge of a new, dynamic exploration, excitement and opportunity was really just amazing. For context, since I was aged 60, I have had a part that never quite adjusted to the transition from my 50’s into my 60’s. I also had other parts that were increasingly concerned as we were rapidly approaching the 70’s and it beginning to feel like a tsunami was brewing; that a double-transition whammy might yet hit.

Then there came IFS. It woke me up. It presented new opportunities. It got me excited and back learning again. I came alive with the newness and inspiration of it. I felt I had value and here was something I really believed in that I could share with others.

On reflection, I discovered that the transition from being a mother, a worker, a wife and a visible person in the world, to becoming invisible had challenged me. I was now being seen as an ‘old’ person and I wasn’t ready to take on what society was offering me. To the point where I clearly remember getting a letter when I turned 60, advising me I was nowentitled to a free bus pass or something similar and indignantly crumpling the letter and throwing it in the bin.

IFS offered me a lifeline. So why now did I knock back the long sought-after training?

The answer was just perfect. It was because of the IFS work that I had completed already that I was able to just say no. I sat with the part with increasing curiosity. I had a string of parts lined up ready to argue and state their case for why we needed to review and reverse this decision. I had a frightened part, wondering if this was the end and would we now be sliding into retired, invisible obscurity? Our only companion a rescue dog, whose neediness reflected our own desperationand craving for attention and purpose.

But we all sat together, my family of parts. We all chose a place that was calm and serene. My go-to is usually somewhere in the mountains with a stream and a deciduous forest, just on the cusp of Autumn with a slight damp and freshness in the air. Just cool enough to wear a warm jumper comfortably.

Space was created for this ‘no’ part to speak, and respect was offered by all the other parts. The answer was simple:” Youhave learned, and from what you have learned, now you will grow”. That was it.

The most interesting aspect of all of this for me came via thepart that observes and translates into applicable form for me. I would describe it as my Managing Director. It watched this unfold with great interest and it was impressed with the skills that I had developed. Once, it was the ambitious driver of all things, pushing relentlessly and shoving aside any objections. Now, it has a very different approach: it works with consensus and it has patience. Over the years it has changed its role within my system from being my jailer to being my champion.

There is no way in the world that I would even have been able to create space to hear from my parts, before I began my IFS journey. I would have been in the middle of a heavy training course before I realised this was not for me right now. Yet,here I was, pausing, listening and being patient. Holding myself in a space of compassion and care and actually doing the work.

Through this experience I have become aware of the skills that I have learned in doing IFS. When I reflect back to the start of this journey, I was a different person. Patience was not one of my attributes and it was borne under great impatience. I had bad parts that I preferred not to pay attention to. I shamed them when they eventually burst out. I lacked true self-awareness and self-compassion. I knew the theory and often I could mimic the actions that suggested to others that I knew all about it. But in terms of how deep it was embedded within me, scratch the surface and it disappeared.

Now if you scratch the surface, it goes a whole lot deeper. I can’t quite pinpoint when this started to develop. I only know it has arrived, and that I am grateful for it. I feel like I am coming home to myself. I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and able to speak for what it is that keeps me comfortable and authentic in that skin. And all this without offending others, too much.

I have heard my clients talk about how they have noticed the way they respond to things and how they view others has changed. How they are now more aware of the parts of others and what may be pushing their behaviours and thus they take things less personally. Clients have commended that they even parent differently and give their children advice based on a more compassionate awareness of others than previously.

The skills one learns and develops in IFS creep up on you. There may be dramatic insight as you recognise a firefighter or unburden an exile. But the true gift and learning lies deeper within. It is in how you relate to yourself in every moment of everyday. The moments that no-one else sees or applauds or congratulates you on. It is those silent, hidden moments of true self compassion and connectedness to your parts through the lens of self. It is the moment when you begin to realise that you are bringing your parts home and that self is here to greet them, with open arms and endless compassion.

I have learned through IFS that I do matter to me and that I do need to care for me. Every part of me. Truly all parts are welcome and truly there are no bad parts.

Sheila